If It Weren't For All the People

There is this inside joke that frequently surfaces when a group of church workers gather and let their guard down.  It’s something said in jest, but is rooted in frustration and hurt. 

Someone says something like, “How are things going at the church?”  The response is quick and feels light, “Oh you know, things would be great if it weren’t for all the people.”  Chuckles and laughter ensue.

It’s clearly a joke, but inside they all know there is some truth to it.  Everyone within earshot knows the reality is that the people are the church – and yet the greatest problems in the church are often the people.

It’s impossible really to work in a church and not get burnt from time to time.   Most of the time it’s unintentional, people don’t realize what they have said or done to make things really tough.  Then there are the other times when someone does or says something maliciously that causes great and memorable pain.

These wounds leave church workers calloused and on guard – assuming the worst at each and every turn.  I know I have couched this idea in the context of the church, but the reality is that this sort of thing happens everywhere.  It happens everywhere – because people happen everywhere. 

That’s right people happen everywhere – and sometimes when people happen – mind you not all of the time – but sometimes assumptions happen.  It’s almost impossible to avoid as well.  Someone treats you poorly once then it’s hard not to assume they will treat you poorly again.

There is the quote saying you know what assuming does.  I’m sure you’ve heard it – and while it’s not appropriate for this post – it’s pretty accurate.  When we make assumptions and preconceived ideas about others it really hurts everyone involved.

We all struggle with assumptions from time to time.  Maybe you assume the worst from your boss, your spouse, your children, or your friends.  Maybe you just assume the worst from the people who have treated you the worst.  It seems so easy to get to that place where we assume the worst from people – because let’s be honest – they are people – and people can be the worst sometimes.

I think we are probably all justified in our negative assumptions – what I mean by that is that we probably have the right to feel that way – but just because we have the right doesn’t make it right.  I know that I have slowed down and started to think about what I believe about a person before I interact with them.  I started to notice that I was largely assuming the worst from people and when I stopped to think about it I realized that doing that wasn’t really fair to them.  Instead of assuming the worst, I started to try to never assume anything; however that strategy didn’t change much for me.  I would go into conversations totally open minded – and somehow I would still end up thinking that someone was trying to “pull a fast one” (whatever that means) or manipulate things to get their way.

It wasn’t until I tried something entirely different that things started to change for me.  After really thinking about what was going on in my head and my heart I realized that what I really needed to do was “Assume Positive Intent” – I needed to assume that everyone I was talking to, interacting with and trying to work with was truly just doing their best. 

Can you imagine the kind of connections you could make with your co-workers, friends, and family members if all you ever did was assume that they meant well.  It’s amazing what can change.  Your whole world can look different when you stop assuming the worst and start assuming that everyone is just doing their best.

I mean think about it … if it weren’t for all the people …

We are all “the people”.

The Key to Great Communication

"You’re not listening to me”, she said.  “You’re not even hearing what I’m saying,” she exclaimed.

If there is one thing that I have learned through my marriage, it’s that when it comes to communication the most important skill of all is - listening. 

The second thing I’ve learned – is that I am terrible at it. 

 

You know there is not much sense in getting people to talk to you if you’re not able or willing to listen.  Communication is key to this life, and while we all have had our fair share of communication blunders; we must learn to not just get by with how we communicate instead we must thrive.

If you are anything like me when you take a step back from a communication melt down and look for the root cause of the issue – many times you realize the issue started because you didn’t do a great job listening.  This has been true for me far too often.  As I have thought about what it means to be a good listener I have realized that being a good listener isn’t about being able to repeat verbatim what someone else said.  Being a good listener means responding in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.

James 1:19 says, “My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak …” and that is where my problems normally begin.  Typically I take James’ advice and flip the script.  I am normally quick to speak and slow to listen.

I am still very far off from being a great listener – but it is something I am working on.  I am trying to develop the skills that help other people feel heard and understood.  Here are some things that I have realized that I do that hinder that process:

·         I often formulate my reply while the other person is still talking.

·         I interrupt someone and add my thoughts to what they are sharing.

·         I start interpreting or summarizing what they are saying before they are finished.

In an effort to start to break some of these habits I have begun to focus on developing an “active listening posture” – this may seem simple, but these are some small things that are helping me become a better listener.

Keys to an “Active Listening Posture”

1.        Comfortable Eye Contact

The key word here is comfortable.  I don’t try to stare into someone’s soul that would be way too creepy.  I just want the other person to know that I am focused on them and I want them to feel comfortable talking with me.

2.       Get Rid of Distractions

This one is probably the toughest one for me.  I normally have many distractions lying around.  I am making a conscious effort to put my books, magazine, phone, iPad, pen and whatever else that would be distracting out of reach.

3.       Face the Other Person

It seems like a no brainer to face the other person, but I found this was one of the biggest mistakes I was making.  Often people will come into my office while I am working, and I caught myself continuing to type or write while I was engaging them in a conversation.  I can only imagine how that must have made them feel.   If I want to communicate to someone that they are important – then I can’t let my focus be one anything else but them.

4.       Give Verbal Encouragement 

It’s amazing what a simple “uh-huh” or “really?” can do for a conversation.  I have started interrupting less and found moments to give recognition that I am engaged and following what’s happening in the conversation. 

 

5.       Give Non-Verbal Encouragement

This should come naturally but smiling, nodding or shaking your head at the appropriate time reinforces that you are focused on what’s being shared.

6.       Sit Still 

This can be a real challenge for some people, but nothing says “leave me alone” more than someone who won’t sit still.  You may not even realize this is something you do – but trust me if someone is trying to talk to you and you don’t look comfortable and engaged, they will take it to mean that you want them to wrap it up quick.

 

7.       Mirror the Other Person

Mirroring is an interesting concept, and an effective technique to create connection.  When you mirror the other person you are subtly copying their posture as an unconscious signal that you are like them.  You can even help them become more open by first copying their posture and then subtly changing it into a more open body language, such as changing folded arms to open arms. 

I hope you have found some of these ideas helpful.  The great thing is communication is universal.  It doesn’t matter if you are talking to a spouse, a boss, your children or a stranger – when you can demonstrate you are a great listener you will instantly unlock the key to great communication.  Join me in being more aware of what you are communicating to others while they are speaking – try being quick to listen and slow to speak.

Moving Past those “Bah hum-bug” Moments

 

It’s Christmastime and it’s time to celebrate!  But, for many families, just the thought of the season makes them want to scream.  Why?   It’s because the holidays can be hectic and just plain hard to deal with. 

Christmas shopping, school and church pageants, and the various Christmas festivities can cause us a lot of stress! But here’s the good news – there is a remedy for getting beyond those “Bah hum-bug” moments.  By reducing your family’s stress levels, you can make the most of your family’s Christmas this year!  

Here are some ideas how: 

1.     Refresh 

Revisit some old family traditions that you haven’t enjoyed in a while and take the initiative to create some new ones. Some of the previous generations did a better job than we do with building family traditions. Traditions are important for families because they provide opportunities to keep your family legacy going. From the simple to the silly to the sentimental, traditions can create meaningful memories. As a parent, one of your jobs is to look for ways to promote special moments and traditions for your family – ones that will create special family memories that your kids will keep forever.

 

2.     Restore 

Christmastime is a great time to reestablish connections with friends and family members with whom you’ve lost touch. Make a goal of restoring connection with at least one person or family member this year.

 

3.     Relax 

There are only so many hours in the day, so much money at your discretion, and only so much of “you” to go around. Well, it is my profound privilege to give you permission to not attend every Christmas pageant featuring a distant relative of yours, and when you’ve maxed out your gift-purchasing budget, please know that it’s perfectly okay to say, “Enough. Our shopping is done.”

 

4.     Rejoice 

Remember that we’re celebrating the birth of our Savior – our whole reason for living! What kind of message do we send to an unbelieving world if we’re cranky, hassled, and sad during Christmastime? Of all people, we should be the ones leading the celebrations! So enjoy the season and watch how many people wonder why you’re so happy!

Even 300-Pound NFL Players Can Be Bullied

If you are even remotely interested in sports than this headline grabbing story has been something you have heard a lot about already.  My guess is that even if you aren’t into sports – by now you have heard about Jonathan Martin – a 300-pound NFL player who has left his team in the middle of the season due to bullying and abuse from his teammates. 

As the details to this story start to trickle out, one thing is very clear – No one should have to endure the kind of verbal and mental treatment that Jonathan Martin went through.  And what is sadder yet is that I am confident he is not the only person in the NFL who has been bullied and abused in this way. 

Bullying while it may be grabbing headlines now is nothing new. As long as there have been kids there have been bullies. You probably know what being bullied feels like, having likely experienced it on your journey to adulthood.   

But, the nature of bullying has changed. It is nothing like it used to be.  Long gone are the days when the “bigger” kid picked on the “smaller” kid and took his lunch money.  In today’s culture as we see in the current headlines – bullies can come from anywhere and use many means to intimate and torture their victims.  In today’s culture bullying is far worse than it used to be, and it’s important for parents to understand why.  

Here are some of the ways that bullying has changed: 

·        Today, bullying can take place around the clock through the use of technology.

·        Today, bullying is rarely an incident between the bully and the victim only. Through technology, a bully’s threats, lies, and put-downs can be broadcast online and passed along to everyone and anyone. There is no safe haven from a bully. It can be relentless.

·        Today, bullying is more difficult to stop. When a bully sends a threatening or demeaning post, others often redistribute the post that extends its reach. It’s impossible to completely delete these posts from cyberspace. As a result, victims of bullying live in fear, not knowing when the next incidence will take place or who will see these posts.

·        Today, the stakes are much higher for the bullied. It’s not unusual for victims to experience isolation, depression, or even to commit suicide.  

·        Today, the stakes are higher for bullies. Because of the widespread (and sometimes tragic) damage bullying can inflict, it is not unusual for bullies to be criminally prosecuted for their bullying behaviors.

·        Today, the stakes are higher for parents. For parents of bullies, prosecutors may look for circumstances to pin criminal responsibility for the bully’s behavior on her or his parents. For parents of bullying victims, the havoc that can be wreaked upon the family can be devastating, especially for those who have lost a child due to suicide. 

 

Because the nature of bullying has changed, we all have a responsibility to be more aware of what is going on around us.  We especially need to monitor what is going on in the lives of the teenagers we are connected to and care deeply about. 

Today’s parents should always take seriously any incidence where their child reports being bullied. The stakes today are simply too high to ignore bullying or to assume that your child will work it out on her or his own.  

Listen, keep written records, remain calm, deal proactively to pursue resolution, and provide follow up. Bullying causes series damage to the lives of everyone involved, damage that can be prevented if we stop bullying in its tracks and find healing and restoration.

Turkey day Tips

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  It holds a special place in my heart.  While over the years the traditions have changed, I always look forward to getting together with my family and remember what we are thankful for. 

Thanksgiving is a treasured holiday in the lives of many families. Yet, because of the tendency to romanticize Thanksgiving Days gone by, we can set the bar of expectation so high that we’re bound to experience stress when the reality doesn’t match up to the expectation.

 

I thought I would share some tips on how you can reduce the stress level of your Thanksgiving day festivities:

 

1.    Manage Your Traditions – Don’t Let Them Manage You. 

Thanksgiving family traditions are great, but we don’t manage them, we can end up serving the tradition rather than the tradition serving us. There will come a time when some traditions need to change, make sure you recognize when it’s time to do something different.  While some of the details of your celebration may seem crucial don’t make the location or menu items the heart of your traditions. Rather, focus on the traditions of the heart: the relationships you get to renew each Thanksgiving Day, the conversations, the laughter, and the love. 

 

2.    Acknowledge this Truth:  There is No “Perfect” Thanksgiving.  

Give up pursuing the dream of a perfect Thanksgiving or any holiday celebration for that matter. It doesn’t exist. Fortunately, perfection isn’t required for a “happy” Thanksgiving. When something goes awry, as it inevitably will, how you respond to the situation will determine your stress level.  We have all been there and we know that nothing ever seems to go as planned.  Remember the people you care about the most will feed off of how you react to tough situations.  Make the most of your time together.

 

3.    Evaluate Your Expectations. 

There’s nothing wrong with having expectations.  Knowing what they are can help you adjust them to be more in line with reality. So, here are four questions: 1) What are you planning? 2) Why are you planning it? 3) Is it meaningful? 4) Is it reasonable to believe you can accomplish what you are planning?  It’s great to know what you or your family is expecting before you get in over your head trying to meet expectations that no one really has.

 

4.    Create Some Margin. 

Hosting Thanksgiving at your home is no “holiday.” While it may be a labor of love, it’s still labor! The person or persons most responsible often get run ragged. If you are the host, carve out some space for yourself by sharing responsibilities.  If you are just one of the hungry masses, make sure you offer to help.  Plan on bringing items to pitch in or help with the clean-up. Do whatever you can to show your appreciation and make life easier on those who were gracious enough to have you over.

 

5.    Don’t Take the Bait! 

Almost every family has at least one member who loves to stir the pot and push others’ buttons. And it seems that Turkey-Day is often the pot-stirring, button-pushing high holy holiday. Expect that some snarky comment will be made. Let it go, or make light of it. These comments are almost always an exercise in fishing. Remember, the fish that gets hooked, is the fish that takes the bait.

 

I hope this tips help you get the most out of Thanksgiving this year.  I hope you are looking forward to spending time with your family for Thanksgiving. There is so much to be thankful for and so much we seem to take for granted.  This year take some extra time to make this Thanksgiving special.  And remember that no matter what hardships you are facing or have faced recently – we have a good God who has given us so much to be thankful for.

Exploited by the Fuzz

It’s not every day that a police officer walks into our office and starts asking questions.  On the scale of everyday occurrence to abnormally out of place, this event would land squarely in the realm of possibility but would be forecasted with a strong system of “highly unlikely” sweeping through the region.

Fortunately my office sits in a very worthwhile position, one which allows me be aware of what is happening at most moments but also provides substantial coverage to avoid any truly awkward situations.  So when the very unlikely but totally possible event of a state police officer asking questions materialized in our office, I can ensure you I didn’t miss the opportunity to insert myself into the investigation.

As I entered into the interrogation without an invitation my heart rate started to soar.  I wanted desperately to know what had happened and how we could be essential in nabbing the local villain.  You could read the headlines now – “Student Pastor Key factor in Apprehending Mobster”.  I was ready to give back and be of service.  I glanced over to the officer’s computer screen.  On it he had images taken from what appeared to be a store surveillance video.

Now we were getting somewhere – if only I could identify these criminals.  As I glanced at the screen, my heart dropped.  It was hard to make out – it was black and white – it was a little grainy – but when I saw the images what I saw were some close friends of mine at the church.  The officer asked me, “Do you know these people?  Do they go to church here?”

My heart sank again.  It looked like my friends – and it was the police.  I didn’t want to lie but I also couldn’t believe it was them.  I answered his question … “It could be them … (using their names).”  “Could you provide me with an address?” the officer asked.  Something about it didn’t seem right.  I felt like I was turning my friend in, a friend I was sure had done nothing wrong.  I ignored his question.  I said, “I have his number, you could call him.”   The officer wrote down the names and the number and then left.

As the officer left I was pretty worked up.  My blood had really been pumping by then.  I knew he was just doing his job but I felt like he was pumping us for information about someone I cared about.  I felt like he came and took information that I didn’t want to give and left us there trying to figure out what had happened.  I felt exploited … by the Fuzz.

It turns out everything was fine – there was an investigation and the police looked into my friends but it was just a case of mistaken identity.  As things developed it was clear it wasn’t them, the culprits just happened to look like them.  But as I looked back and reflected on the event I had to ask myself why I got so worked up about the officer just doing his job.  Why did I feel this deep need to protect something important to me and why was I tempted to keep that information away from him?

I started to think about my own spiritual life and how sometimes I react the same way to God as I did to that officer.  God comes into the office of my life and starts poking around a little bit.  He asks me some questions.   He is looking for the answers – just the truth - nothing more nothing less.   He wants me to be honest to help Him to His work.  He can do it without me, but if I cooperate it makes His job so much easier.  He’s on the case and He wants to make everything right and restore what has been broken or taken.  His motives are pure.

My motives however can be called into question on a regular basis.  Instead of letting my guard down and letting God get to the heart of the matter, I act like I have been pulled over for a traffic stop.  As he approaches the window, I tell him I know my rights and He’s going to need a warrant if He wants to search me or my vehicle.    He has to have just cause; He can’t just expect me to lay down my rights.

When in reality that’s exactly what he expects me to do.

Matthew 16:24 – “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Jesus tells us that we must lay down our rights SO we can pick up our cross AND dying to ourselves is the only way that we will truly follow Him.

Jesus is not some Cosmic Police Officer trying to trip you up.  He’s not the Fuzz trying to work you for information.

He is a good and loving God – who has done and will continue to do anything and everything to solve the case – and make things right in your life once again.

Confident Parenting

When my wife, Leah, and I found out we were going to be parents, we were both so excited.  My first reaction was one of confidence.  I felt like God had given me the gifts to be a great dad – so I would be a great dad.  So naturally I thought we would be great parents.  Leah on the other hand expressed a number of concerns about becoming new parents, and wanted to be sure that we were as prepared as possible.  At the time I thought she was over reacting – and in my famous phrase – “everything would be fine.”

 

I felt a ton of confidence about becoming new parents – I thought, how hard can it be? As I sit here almost 2 years later – boy was I wrong. Talk about receiving an education!

 

I don’t know nearly as much as I thought I did – and I am in no way an expert on raising kids.  Fortunately, God is gracious and merciful to parents and children alike.  I try to remind the Students in our Ministry of this truth – that their Parents are not experts.  They are just doing their best to be good Parents.

 

Recently I read some material from Jim Burns about becoming a more confident parent.  I wanted to share with you a few things Jim encourages parents to do to boost their confidence.

 

Bless Your Children

Kids love praise from their parents and I’m convinced that they crave it. For children,there is no substitute for receiving a blessing from Mom and Dad. It will propel them to new heights spiritually, emotionally and relationally as you build their self-image.

 

Overcome Negative Family Patterns

This can be tough if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. Still, you can be part of the “transitional generation” who stops blaming bad behavior from the past as an excuse for bad parenting today. Get help to heal the hurts of your childhood and start setting healthy examples for your own kids.

 

Create a Grace-Filled Home

If the atmosphere of your home is negative or threatening, your kids will find somewhere to hang out where they feel welcome. Creating a welcoming atmosphere at home means increasing the flow of acceptance and grace.

 

Communicate with A.W.E.

A healthy dose of A.W.E. (Affection, Warmth and Encouragement) works wonders with kids. You don’t have to be a pushover parent; in fact, leniency does not equal love. But when you are fair, firm and consistent with A.W.E.-filled discipline in your home, you’ll build a stronger bond with your kids.

 

Raise Kids Who Love God and Themselves

The key is respect. When kids are taught the value of obeying their parents, honoring and respecting God is easy. Obedience makes it easier to establish a loving relationship with Him. Give your kids the gift of learning self-respect as well, which is one of the best gifts an adolescent will ever receive!

____________

 

These five things are something that we are working on in our home.  We hope that it will help you and your family as you continue to do the best you can.  Remember you are not in this alone.  You have a great number of people who are going through the same things you are.  Trust that God has put the right people in your life and that He will always be right be your side – as you continue to try and raise your children to follow Him.

A Profound Mystery

 

This month at PCC we have been talking about a “Profound Mystery”. 

 

We have been digging deeper into the scriptures to try and understand what God has to say about marriage.

 

Throughout the scriptures marriage is used as an example of the kind of relationship God wants to have with His church.  When we look at the state of marriage in our culture today – that might not give you the greatest impression, but as the Apostle Paul states marriage and the relationship between Christ and His church is a Profound Mystery.

 

There are many things that are powerful about the marriage relationship.  You might even wonder why I would be discussing marriage on the Student Ministries blog.  Well the reality is whether or not you discuss marriage with your kids, they are learning about it… by the example you set. Your actions—both good and bad—are always teaching your kids.

 

Here are 10 things that kids can observe from your marriage:

 

1. Affection:  Kids notice the smallest expressions of affection.  They see dad holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, and cuddling.  They also notice the lack of affection.

 

2. Saying “I’m sorry”:   It’s important as parents to learn to be quick to use this phrase.  Owning our own faults instead of pointing out others is an invaluable trait to model to our kids.

 

3. Affirmation: This should be our primary love language.  It needs to be so easy for us to dish out encouraging words. Our kids hear us affirming one another.

 

4. Attraction:  It’s so important to let it be known in your family that you find your spouse attractive.  It’s a good thing to say, “Isn’t your mom hot?”  It will be awkward, they will laugh, but they will also know you believe it.

 

5. Time:  Your kids should know that you like to spend time together.  When they see you steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go on a date night, it’s a good message for them to see.

 

6. Laughter:  It’s important to laugh a lot in your house.  It’s great for kids to see that your spouse make you laugh and brings joy to your life.

 

7. Respect:  Kids see respect when you open a door for her, when each of you say “thank you” and “please” to one another, and when they observe how you resolve  conflict.

 

8. Faith conversations: Your kids hear and see your faith conversations and know that talking about Jesus and what it means to be His follower is a huge part of your life together.  If you are neglecting this – know that nothing bad will come from talking about your faith with your kids.

 

9. The value of friends: Your kids have friends that they want to spend time with.  Having friends over is a great opportunity to let it be known that your house is a regular hangout for some incredible and cherished friends and how much these people mean to you.

 

10. Servanthood: When you ask one another, “How can I help?” your kids are learning that, in marriage, serving one another often appears in the little things of life.

 

It’s the small things in your ever day life and marriage that can make a huge difference in the life of your son or daughter.  When you make an effort to model these types of things in your day to day life, you will understand what Paul meant by Profound Mystery … 

All of the sudden things will start to change – and little by little you will see what God meant about the kind of love He has for the Church.

Under Pressure ?

Recently our Jr. High students began a series called - "Under Pressure".  In this series we are looking at what God's word has to say about dealing with all of the pressures the students deal with today. 

At first you might wonder - what possibly could have middle school and High school students stressed out.  The truth is there are a lot of things that really stress students out in today's culture.
 


On the outside, most of them seem happy-go-lucky, but inside each student is a complex network of potentially explosive pressures. Students with a strong parental and social support system are the least likely to experience the painful effects of the pressures they face.
 

When parents become aware of the typical sources of pressure that kids face, they are better able to provide their kids encouragement and support. Here are five common pressures that students face:
 

1.      The Pressure to be Perfect.

Students repeatedly talk about their parents wanting them to be perfect, particularly in in the areas of behavior and school. No kid is perfect and when they fall short of their parents’ expectations, they feel more pressure.
 

2.      The Pressure to Succeed.

The pressure to succeed elicits the attitude that life is a constant performance. To fail is to feel stupid.  When students fail, they fear that others will reject them.

 

3.      The Pressure to Conform.

Students find it extremely uncomfortable to be different from their peers; so, they work hard to fit in and accepted by one of the subcultures on their school campus.
 

4.      The Pressure from Body Changes.

Since consistent change is part of the developing adolescent body, teenagers are in a continual state of stress over what’s happening or what’s not happening.
 

5.      The Pressure from Emotions.

Adolescence is a time of emotional development. For many students, the strength and frequency of their emotions is much like having new emotions altogether. They are often not sure where the emotions have come from, and they are equally unsure what to do with them.


Dealing with pressure is tough for anyone – but one of the first steps into handling it in the right way so to know that pressure is simply going to be part of the adolescent experience.   Learning to process pressure and stress is actually  an important part of preparing kids to face the pressures and stresses of adulthood.
 

Rather than trying to get rid of all pressure, the wise course for parents is to help students manage the pressures they face so that they do not become overwhelmed as they journey toward adulthood.

The prophet Isaiah gives us great advice reminding us about how God would have us deal with stress and pressure:

 “ ²⁸ Do you not know?  Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,  and young men stumble and fall;  

³¹ but those who hope in the Lord   will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;     they will run and not grow weary,     they will walk and not be faint.”

-Isaiah 40:28-31