If there is one thing that I have learned through my
marriage, it’s that when it comes to communication the most important skill of
all is - listening.
The second thing I’ve
learned – is that I am terrible at it.
You know there is not much sense in getting people to talk
to you if you’re not able or willing to listen.
Communication is key to this life, and while we all have had our fair share
of communication blunders; we must learn to not just get by with how we
communicate instead we must thrive.
If you are anything like me when you take a step back from a
communication melt down and look for the root cause of the issue – many times
you realize the issue started because you didn’t do a great job listening. This has been true for me far too often. As I have thought about what it means to be a
good listener I have realized that being a good listener isn’t about being able
to repeat verbatim what someone else said.
Being a good listener means responding in a way that makes the other
person feel heard and understood.
James 1:19 says, “My dear friends, you should be quick to
listen and slow to speak …” and that is where my problems normally begin. Typically I take James’ advice and flip the
script. I am normally quick to speak and
slow to listen.
I am still very far off from being a great listener – but it
is something I am working on. I am
trying to develop the skills that help other people feel heard and understood. Here are some things that I have realized
that I do that hinder that process:
·
I often formulate my reply while the other
person is still talking.
·
I interrupt someone and add my thoughts to what
they are sharing.
·
I start interpreting or summarizing what they
are saying before they are finished.
In an effort to start to break some of these habits I have
begun to focus on developing an “active listening posture” – this may seem
simple, but these are some small things that are helping me become a better
listener.
Keys to an “Active Listening Posture”
1.
Comfortable Eye Contact
The key word here is
comfortable. I don’t try to stare into
someone’s soul that would be way too creepy.
I just want the other person to know that I am focused on them and I
want them to feel comfortable talking with me.
2.
Get Rid of Distractions
This one is probably the toughest
one for me. I normally have many
distractions lying around. I am making a
conscious effort to put my books, magazine, phone, iPad, pen and whatever else
that would be distracting out of reach.
3.
Face the Other Person
It seems like a no brainer to face
the other person, but I found this was one of the biggest mistakes I was
making. Often people will come into my
office while I am working, and I caught myself continuing to type or write
while I was engaging them in a conversation.
I can only imagine how that must have made them feel. If I want to communicate to someone that
they are important – then I can’t let my focus be one anything else but them.
4.
Give Verbal Encouragement
It’s amazing what a simple “uh-huh” or “really?”
can do for a conversation. I have
started interrupting less and found moments to give recognition that I am
engaged and following what’s happening in the conversation.
5.
Give Non-Verbal Encouragement
This should come naturally but
smiling, nodding or shaking your head at the appropriate time reinforces that
you are focused on what’s being shared.
6.
Sit Still
This can be a real challenge for some
people, but nothing says “leave me alone” more than someone who won’t sit
still. You may not even realize this is
something you do – but trust me if someone is trying to talk to you and you don’t
look comfortable and engaged, they will take it to mean that you want them to
wrap it up quick.
7.
Mirror the Other Person
Mirroring is an interesting
concept, and an effective technique to create connection. When you mirror the other person you are
subtly copying their posture as an unconscious signal that you are like
them. You can even help them become more
open by first copying their posture and then subtly changing it into a more
open body language, such as changing folded arms to open arms.
I hope you have found some of these ideas helpful. The great thing is communication is
universal. It doesn’t matter if you are
talking to a spouse, a boss, your children or a stranger – when you can
demonstrate you are a great listener you will instantly unlock the key to great
communication. Join me in being more
aware of what you are communicating to others while they are speaking – try being
quick to listen and slow to speak.
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