If It Weren't For All the People

There is this inside joke that frequently surfaces when a group of church workers gather and let their guard down.  It’s something said in jest, but is rooted in frustration and hurt. 

Someone says something like, “How are things going at the church?”  The response is quick and feels light, “Oh you know, things would be great if it weren’t for all the people.”  Chuckles and laughter ensue.

It’s clearly a joke, but inside they all know there is some truth to it.  Everyone within earshot knows the reality is that the people are the church – and yet the greatest problems in the church are often the people.

It’s impossible really to work in a church and not get burnt from time to time.   Most of the time it’s unintentional, people don’t realize what they have said or done to make things really tough.  Then there are the other times when someone does or says something maliciously that causes great and memorable pain.

These wounds leave church workers calloused and on guard – assuming the worst at each and every turn.  I know I have couched this idea in the context of the church, but the reality is that this sort of thing happens everywhere.  It happens everywhere – because people happen everywhere. 

That’s right people happen everywhere – and sometimes when people happen – mind you not all of the time – but sometimes assumptions happen.  It’s almost impossible to avoid as well.  Someone treats you poorly once then it’s hard not to assume they will treat you poorly again.

There is the quote saying you know what assuming does.  I’m sure you’ve heard it – and while it’s not appropriate for this post – it’s pretty accurate.  When we make assumptions and preconceived ideas about others it really hurts everyone involved.

We all struggle with assumptions from time to time.  Maybe you assume the worst from your boss, your spouse, your children, or your friends.  Maybe you just assume the worst from the people who have treated you the worst.  It seems so easy to get to that place where we assume the worst from people – because let’s be honest – they are people – and people can be the worst sometimes.

I think we are probably all justified in our negative assumptions – what I mean by that is that we probably have the right to feel that way – but just because we have the right doesn’t make it right.  I know that I have slowed down and started to think about what I believe about a person before I interact with them.  I started to notice that I was largely assuming the worst from people and when I stopped to think about it I realized that doing that wasn’t really fair to them.  Instead of assuming the worst, I started to try to never assume anything; however that strategy didn’t change much for me.  I would go into conversations totally open minded – and somehow I would still end up thinking that someone was trying to “pull a fast one” (whatever that means) or manipulate things to get their way.

It wasn’t until I tried something entirely different that things started to change for me.  After really thinking about what was going on in my head and my heart I realized that what I really needed to do was “Assume Positive Intent” – I needed to assume that everyone I was talking to, interacting with and trying to work with was truly just doing their best. 

Can you imagine the kind of connections you could make with your co-workers, friends, and family members if all you ever did was assume that they meant well.  It’s amazing what can change.  Your whole world can look different when you stop assuming the worst and start assuming that everyone is just doing their best.

I mean think about it … if it weren’t for all the people …

We are all “the people”.

The Key to Great Communication

"You’re not listening to me”, she said.  “You’re not even hearing what I’m saying,” she exclaimed.

If there is one thing that I have learned through my marriage, it’s that when it comes to communication the most important skill of all is - listening. 

The second thing I’ve learned – is that I am terrible at it. 

 

You know there is not much sense in getting people to talk to you if you’re not able or willing to listen.  Communication is key to this life, and while we all have had our fair share of communication blunders; we must learn to not just get by with how we communicate instead we must thrive.

If you are anything like me when you take a step back from a communication melt down and look for the root cause of the issue – many times you realize the issue started because you didn’t do a great job listening.  This has been true for me far too often.  As I have thought about what it means to be a good listener I have realized that being a good listener isn’t about being able to repeat verbatim what someone else said.  Being a good listener means responding in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.

James 1:19 says, “My dear friends, you should be quick to listen and slow to speak …” and that is where my problems normally begin.  Typically I take James’ advice and flip the script.  I am normally quick to speak and slow to listen.

I am still very far off from being a great listener – but it is something I am working on.  I am trying to develop the skills that help other people feel heard and understood.  Here are some things that I have realized that I do that hinder that process:

·         I often formulate my reply while the other person is still talking.

·         I interrupt someone and add my thoughts to what they are sharing.

·         I start interpreting or summarizing what they are saying before they are finished.

In an effort to start to break some of these habits I have begun to focus on developing an “active listening posture” – this may seem simple, but these are some small things that are helping me become a better listener.

Keys to an “Active Listening Posture”

1.        Comfortable Eye Contact

The key word here is comfortable.  I don’t try to stare into someone’s soul that would be way too creepy.  I just want the other person to know that I am focused on them and I want them to feel comfortable talking with me.

2.       Get Rid of Distractions

This one is probably the toughest one for me.  I normally have many distractions lying around.  I am making a conscious effort to put my books, magazine, phone, iPad, pen and whatever else that would be distracting out of reach.

3.       Face the Other Person

It seems like a no brainer to face the other person, but I found this was one of the biggest mistakes I was making.  Often people will come into my office while I am working, and I caught myself continuing to type or write while I was engaging them in a conversation.  I can only imagine how that must have made them feel.   If I want to communicate to someone that they are important – then I can’t let my focus be one anything else but them.

4.       Give Verbal Encouragement 

It’s amazing what a simple “uh-huh” or “really?” can do for a conversation.  I have started interrupting less and found moments to give recognition that I am engaged and following what’s happening in the conversation. 

 

5.       Give Non-Verbal Encouragement

This should come naturally but smiling, nodding or shaking your head at the appropriate time reinforces that you are focused on what’s being shared.

6.       Sit Still 

This can be a real challenge for some people, but nothing says “leave me alone” more than someone who won’t sit still.  You may not even realize this is something you do – but trust me if someone is trying to talk to you and you don’t look comfortable and engaged, they will take it to mean that you want them to wrap it up quick.

 

7.       Mirror the Other Person

Mirroring is an interesting concept, and an effective technique to create connection.  When you mirror the other person you are subtly copying their posture as an unconscious signal that you are like them.  You can even help them become more open by first copying their posture and then subtly changing it into a more open body language, such as changing folded arms to open arms. 

I hope you have found some of these ideas helpful.  The great thing is communication is universal.  It doesn’t matter if you are talking to a spouse, a boss, your children or a stranger – when you can demonstrate you are a great listener you will instantly unlock the key to great communication.  Join me in being more aware of what you are communicating to others while they are speaking – try being quick to listen and slow to speak.

Moving Past those “Bah hum-bug” Moments

 

It’s Christmastime and it’s time to celebrate!  But, for many families, just the thought of the season makes them want to scream.  Why?   It’s because the holidays can be hectic and just plain hard to deal with. 

Christmas shopping, school and church pageants, and the various Christmas festivities can cause us a lot of stress! But here’s the good news – there is a remedy for getting beyond those “Bah hum-bug” moments.  By reducing your family’s stress levels, you can make the most of your family’s Christmas this year!  

Here are some ideas how: 

1.     Refresh 

Revisit some old family traditions that you haven’t enjoyed in a while and take the initiative to create some new ones. Some of the previous generations did a better job than we do with building family traditions. Traditions are important for families because they provide opportunities to keep your family legacy going. From the simple to the silly to the sentimental, traditions can create meaningful memories. As a parent, one of your jobs is to look for ways to promote special moments and traditions for your family – ones that will create special family memories that your kids will keep forever.

 

2.     Restore 

Christmastime is a great time to reestablish connections with friends and family members with whom you’ve lost touch. Make a goal of restoring connection with at least one person or family member this year.

 

3.     Relax 

There are only so many hours in the day, so much money at your discretion, and only so much of “you” to go around. Well, it is my profound privilege to give you permission to not attend every Christmas pageant featuring a distant relative of yours, and when you’ve maxed out your gift-purchasing budget, please know that it’s perfectly okay to say, “Enough. Our shopping is done.”

 

4.     Rejoice 

Remember that we’re celebrating the birth of our Savior – our whole reason for living! What kind of message do we send to an unbelieving world if we’re cranky, hassled, and sad during Christmastime? Of all people, we should be the ones leading the celebrations! So enjoy the season and watch how many people wonder why you’re so happy!